Thursday, May 16, 2013


Simplicity, Duplicity

Last week, my friend, Katie, and I went to a conference about leadership.  This year’s focus was on leading simply.  How to keep the main thing the main thing.  Getting down to brass tacks.  Major in the majors.  And other clichés.  (Note: The speakers at the conference did not use these clichés.  They are all way too successful and cool for that).  It was…inspiring.  I loved every minute of it and I've hated every minute since.  Because inspiration, when you’re stuck, is a horrible thing. 
I want to be a speaker at that conference someday.  I am not going to put it on my “vision board” like one of the speakers recommended, because (A) That would require a “vision board.” And (B) A vision board, to me, would end up being more of a “All the ways you’re failing today” board.  Goals are in-your-face reminders of what you’re not and instant triggers of the fear that you never will be.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I have heard that most people like either Math/Science or English/History.  I've always liked Math/English.  It comes naturally to strategically look ahead at all the ways something could go wrong (Math) and then tell others (English).  (I am a joy to have on a team when pitching new ideas, lemme tell ya).  I analyze stories, and tell stories about analysis.  But mostly, I just analyze emotions.  What do I think about what I feel?  Do I feel ok about how I am thinking
So, naturally, I have been thinking about how I feel about the conference, about the post-conference funk.  How is it possible for the feelings of excitement and rejection to coexist in one heart (or is it mind)?  Here is where my analysis has brought me:
  • I am a woman. (Clearly, that didn't require much analysis.  Hang with me). 
  • I am a woman who is gifted in public speaking—the Church would call it the “gift of teaching.” 
  • I am a woman who does not particularly enjoy teaching children. 
Within the walls of the church, women are praised for being gentle, quiet, and nurturing…maternal.  Women can be teachers…in children’s church.  The church does not have a great reputation for valuing strong women. 
Outside the walls of the church, the world values strong women.  Movies, songs, and books all glorify women to rise to the top of the corporate ladder, make their own way, demand respect, and meet their own needs.  Independent women.  Powerful women.  As long as you look pretty while you’re doing it, women can break the glass ceiling.  The sky is the limit…unless you’re an astronaut...if you want to be an astronaut you can be…even if you’re a woman...and then the limit is beyond the sky. 
And here I am.  Stuck between the two worlds. . 
If I pursued it, I believe that I could be moderately successful in a training/professional development/ teaching role.  I could get a Master’s degree at a cheap state or online school and work my way up a ladder somewhere. 
But there’s part of me, a significant and deep part of me, that knows that the ladder is not going to get me where I want to go.  I want to teach, but not about HR policy or the proper way to collect registration packets.  I want to teach people about God, and life, and love, and hope, and thanksgiving.  But I don’t want to teach those things to seven year-olds.  I have tried to make myself love the small children.  I can’t get past the jam-hands.  (Why are they always sticky?!) I want to teach the fully-grown people, or the almost fully-grown ones. 
Two of the colleges I attended emphasized that there is no division between the “sacred” and the “secular.”  All things can be done to the glory of God.  Teaching HR policy can be ministry.  I recognize that.  I know people who have had “secular” jobs their whole lives and have done those jobs to the glory of God.  I do not want to diminish that in any way.  I believe, though, that God has placed in my heart a desire to use my gifting in ministry, as it would traditionally be defined.  God and I have been round and round on this.  If He wanted me in ministry, He should have made me love children and/or hospitality.  Women who work at a church or ministry are allowed to 1. Teach children  2. Host people in their homes for dinner  3. Answer phones (Note: Secretarial roles are usually reserved for women whose children grown and out of the house and/or widows).  If He wanted me to use my gifting to minister in a “secular” role, then He should not have given me to the longing for ministry. 
I am not sure how to wrap this up, so I am switching back to bullet points:
  • I want to openly acknowledge that saying God should or should not do anything is crazy.  He is.  He loves. There are no shoulds with Him.  He made me this way on purpose.  I am no accident.  I do believe.  Help my unbelief.
  • I do think that the church has some flaws, but she is His bride.  He calls her beautiful and I want to be part of that in any way I can.
  • I long for a day when the duplicity of my personality and gifts come together and make sense.  I think I would feel better.

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