Last night...
Relapse tonight. Last semester's doubts and fears flooded my mind again. I felt extremely insignificant. Irrelevant. There was a list of things I wanted to do/buy/eat...all of which I knew were attempts at a quick-fix. None of them quite worked out like I'd hoped. My vanilla latte wasn't quite up to par. I tried to buy Eternal Sunshine. Target discontinued it, whatever that means, and neither Wal-mart nor Barnes and Noble have it. So I rented it, but it wouldn't play because it looks like someone took a key to it. I was trying to avoid Counting Crows due to the inevitable downward spiral that follows the first run-through, and each subsequent playing, of Mrs. Potter's Lullaby and/or Long December. Then I heard Round Here coming from my suitemate's room. I tried. I really did.
There was a lot of staring at the blank page. There was guilt about the page still being blank. Then there was more fear. So I read some Anne Lamott, got inspired to write something, then I stared some more.
Maybe it all started with the six papers, countless quizzes, and two tests in the past two weeks. Or maybe it was the Learning Styles test we took in my "Christian Education with Adolescents" class. (I'm all over the board. I have no idea because I'm all of them at different times. I seriously can't even figure out tendencies on those things. Next time I'm told to take a test like that, or a personality test, or a "gifts" test, I'm not doing it. The crisis of identity aftermath just isn't worth it.) Work might have had an affect on it. The conversations that take place there...gosh. I am completely at a loss as to what to do, or say, or feel about it all. Then there was some more guilt about what I should do and say and feel about it all and about what I should not do and say and feel.
Whatever started it, there was a lot of self-loathing. I really want to believe that some of the things that people say about me are true. I sincerely believe that, in most cases, they think it's true, but that doesn't quite translate into me believing it. I guess that disconnect is a blessing. I guess it's just nice that they think that. I guess I'll stop the pity-party now. Thanks for coming.