It started out with, what felt like, Buddha sitting on my chest, and now, a week later, I rise from the depths of the couch. I've been sick. Really sick. I've had six prescriptions and have missed four days of work, spread over a weekend. I went to church on Sunday in attempt to get used to being vertical again. Then I spent all of Monday recovering from that 2 hour excursion. I only vaguely remember anything about the past few days, hopefully that's the drugs. And trust me, I tried to read and couldn't. But I will return to the hoodlums at work today, though I don't know that I should. I sit and write from the comfort of my own home and find myself asking, "Why am I sweating?" hmm...

Went to the doctor today because, after the adrenaline of last night wore off, I realized I had all the symptoms of pneumonia. (That kind of stuff freaks moms out.) Found out it wasn't, and got a prescription for some drugs which I promptly went to get filled. The kind people at the pharmacy tried to tell me I was born in 1994 instead of 1984. I kindly informed them they were wrong. Went home and enjoyed the day away from the carrier-monkey children at work.
ALSO...now that I know I don't have pneumonia, I really want to book another weekend trip in England for the Counting Crows concert. If we leave now we can make it to Manchester in plenty of time. Any takers?

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

Went to the second-Thursday worship thing tonight at the Farney's, and heard a song that I'd never heard before. The chorus is basically, "I love you" over and over again. In case you haven't heard, I'm kind of stuck on this whole idea that God loves me, so, while I was supposed to be singing to Him, I found myself just receiving and thinking about how we are only capable of, "I love you too." We don't initiate. We react. A non-equal and opposite reaction.

I'm long-overdue for a blog of substance. Even I'm bored with my tediousness of life snippets; I can't imagine how you feel. The following was written just before the new year with the intent of letter/ e-mail/blog but, because I prioritize badly, it never quite made it. But I wrote it with intention, so here it goes bloggies:
I came to the realization that another page in my life turned when I got back from England. Actually, it wasn't a page. It was a chapter, a big fat chapter. I suppose I knew that before, but the longer I am away from that place, the more I understand the beauty of it.
For those of you who are skeptics by nature, yes. I do believe I have romanticized my experience, the place, the people, the country, etc. But the pain of it all fades into the bigger picture of the lessons learned. Anyone or anyplace that can make you forget pain, or, even more miraculously, deem it worthwhile, should be thought of very very highly.
The first 3 months sucked like nothing had ever sucked before. I was lonely and homesick (which, I've found, is the same feeling manifested differently). I was being everyone but me and was hating myself for it. There were a group of girls, whom I affectionately call the "apple-lickers," that were more interested in skipping meals and running everyday than anything else. They replaced the avoided meals with the licking of an apple, claiming they had eaten earlier. That mindset is contagious. (see entire western world for evidence). Enough said. Then the post-Christmas term started up and life was better. I enjoyed it. I made friends. I began to appreciate the glory of the place. Then there was Spring...
There were people whom I had ignored who refused to ignore me. There were new people at Capernwray, if for no other reason, but to be a friend to me. To teach me, sharpen me, challenge me, and encourage me. I don't know if life changed that much for everyone or if I just pulled my head out of my...butt and recognized all that God had been teaching, and wanted to teach me during my time there. Either way, life happened. For a brief time, I genuinely appreciated creation as a gift from God. I began to understand the mystery that God loves me. Regardless of what I do, or don't do, He loves me. That is my identity; that is who I am.
When I came home I expected to be tempted�sort of. I think that if some guy had come along and swept me off my feet (wouldn�t that�ve been nice!) I would have thought maybe that was the temptation to stray. What I never saw coming was anger. I had no idea that I would be so mad at everyone for not getting it, for being so closed minded, for being so small. There's a freaking huge world out there and they don't have the luxury of worrying about whether they want Sonic or Wendy's for dinner. They could not care any less about the season finale of Friends, because their parents are about to die of AIDS and they don't know how much longer they can survive without them. I was frustrated that no one could share in the most impacting experience thus far in my life, and to tell you the truth I still am. I handle it badly.
I don't want to give the impression of "been around the world, learned more, met cooler people, etc." But please realize that I have seen different parts of the world. I have learned a lot! And I have found lasting relationships with people who have changed my life. I am not who I want to be. I am not the truly free, joyful, person I was at Capernwray in part, and will one day be in whole. I'm cynical and sarcastic, unloving and uncompassionate, hopeless, faithless, and embarrassingly lifeless.
To whom it may concern:
This year, chances are I will not learn a musical instrument, exercise routinely, be in the Word everyday, adequately appreciate creation, read a book a week, journal everyday, think through every decision, give up TV, watch my every word, handle my money better, or tell people what they mean to me. If I could do one thing though, I would love. I would allow Christ to so work inside of me that every person that I spoke to would find mercy in my eyes. The act of looking at someone would be the same as praying for them, and I would grasp, and apply, that all sin is equal (consequences differ.) Truly, if any of this were to take place, it would be altogether Christ. I've tried to will myself to change and have failed miserably. Apparently, He wasn't kidding when He said that Christ in us is our only hope of glory. If I have offended you with my haughty arrogance, made you feel unimportant because of my stories of abroad, insulted your identity, or disregarded your deep hurts, please note that I write this with deep regret. I am sorry. Me and Jesus, we're working on it.
"To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love..." --Tozer
True dat.

My brother made my blog cool! Thanks frere; you're the best.
I had a test in Music Appreciation today. What a dumb name for a class. So, if you pass, you supposedly acquire a greater appreciation for music, and if you fail you are deemed inappreciative. Dumb.