"The truth is that progress is usually small and sneaky. The lie is that only big will do; only big will change the world, so everyone will be kind to each other and the killing will stop. Big is the magic we look for first, but grace is what makes things work out against all odds. If it were too big, it might sweep away all the bits of knowledge and insight we're granted as we go along. If it were too big, it couldn't get through the almost invisible cracks and holes in our walls, in our stone hearts; knowledge comes in tendrils." --Anne Lamott

I have decided to donate all of the empty journals and blank pages that I have spilling out of boxes and drawers to Anne Lamott. She will make better use of them than I ever would. It seems a waste to fill them with anything I have, when she could fill them with everything she has.

See, here’s the thing…
Those personality tests that “help us to learn more about our co-workers/families/etc. so that we can communicate more effectively” really, they just lead to frustration, stereo-typing, comparison, arrogance, and self-loathing.
At least for me.
I think it’s like communism. It looks good on paper, but in reality it just doesn’t work. Mostly because people suck.
At least I do.
I went to a half-day meeting that our HR department hosted on Friday. We took the test to find out our “True Colors.” Then we broke up into groups with others of our color and discussed what it all means and how we should interact with people of a different color. (Sounds like something that would have happened with HR departments in the 60s.)
First, to make us all feel good, we focus on the “strengths” of each color. This is super helpful. Once you know your strengths, and you have the test and handout to prove it, you can easily discern the exact moment to look condescendingly at your co-worker(s). Not that you need to…they know. They learned your strengths, too, so you don’t have to give the I’m-Better-Than-You look or do the corresponding dance. They can just sit at their desk and crumble in their inadequacy. Additionally, you learn how others perceive you. Now THIS is beneficial. That’s what I need. I need a reason to think about what people think of me, because I never do THAT on my own.
Jaded? Maybe a little. I think I have taken too many tests that tell me that I am not the animal, color, or arrangement of four letters that women are supposed to be. I’m not fun, compassionate, adventurous or organized. I’m arrogant, belittling, and domineering. Obviously, I tend to compare the other’s strengths with my weaknesses. I know this because I’m also overly analytical and an intellectual snob. Good to know. Thank you, HR.
And I looked around the group of other like-colored people, especially the women, and it’s not who I want to be…but it is who I am. That’s the problem: the test is right.
So no, HR, it wasn’t helpful. Maybe it was for the other colors, but not for me. I already think about what I think about. For goodness sakes, not only am I thinking about what I think about the fact that I think about what I think about, I’m blogging about it too!

Don’t mind me; I’m just should-ing all over myself today.

Jesus, if at some point it could make sense to me why you made me this way, that would be really great. In the mean time, I will try to accept it…or at least not have a panic attack. I will try to stop comparing because I know that “comparison is the thief of joy.” I will choose to be thankful.