I've spent the last couple of hours reading friends' blogs, facebook notes, and email updates. I really enjoyed myself. It made me want to write again...so did the book I finished a couple of weeks ago...so did the pit in my stomach when I saw a beautiful, blank journal in my drawer...so did the thought of doing some sort of freelance job, rather than having to work 8-5 in an office. If I would just write every time I wanted to write, I...well, I would write. Unfortunately, I just sit there and think about what I would write....and how I would probably not know how to say what I want anyway. I don't think that this inner battle is going to end anytime soon, but at least I win tonight.

I don't have recurring dreams. I don't really have dreams at all. I have had a mere handful of dreams that I can remember and I was almost brutally murdered in most of them. I do have recurring...umm...situations? questions? problems? lessons? I don't know. Maybe God is trying to teach me something and I'm just not catching on. Sometimes I picture Him shaking His head and, with a sigh, asking, "Won't she ever learn?" (Sometimes I realize that this distorted picture of God is the way I view Him emotionally-speaking, and try to remind myself that He is perfect but not the perfectionist I make Him out to be. He is grace). The most recent lesson has something to do with discernment...or maybe something to do with where (or in whom) I place my confidence. I think.

I have received mixed reviews in the past two jobs I've had, which is somewhat traumatizing because I, unlike God, do have perfectionist tendencies (aka overwhelming character flaws). In my job this summer I was told (in slightly different words) that I was a horrible follower. This sent me into a tailspin of doubt and insecurity. After all, how can I be a wife if I can't follow? I want to follow. I want to support the leader. Apparently, I sucked at it. On the other hand, this summer I received encouragement that I could feel in my bones. There were cards, letters, notes, and words that encouraged my legs right out from under me, and, strangely enough, gave me the strength to keep trudging along. I was confused. I asked God which words to believe. I want to be teachable, to take the criticism, to grow and change, but I didn't want to just crumble into a heap and quit because of it. Which was true? I know. Probably Both/And? How much of each?

And now. Here I am. Last week I was told that I'm doing a wonderful job. That the staff, the kids, the whole program is better for having me. Last week I was also told (by my favorite student's mother, ironically enough), that, since I took over, everything has gone downhill. I am mean and too detail-oriented and that this child hates the program, and she hates it because of me. This, by the way, was not stated in "slightly different" terminology. That's how she said it. Followed by a smile and a "Have a nice weekend." I was crushed. I love this kid. I thought we had a good relationship. We talk. We laugh. She doesn't hate me! What the heck? What do I believe? Which is true? I know. Probably Both/And? How much of each?

So. That's the lesson I can't learn. Thoughts, comments, suggestions on how to discern are welcome.
By the way, except for this little drama at work, life is really good. Wedding planning is going well. Family, friends, life, love...all good. It's a shame I don't write more. That stuff would make a lovely entry. Maybe next time.