I have a bad case of The Shoulds.
In fact, I am should-ing all over myself.

I should be doing more with my life. I should wear heals more often. I should spend time in the Word every day. I should give more money to the poor. I should drink more water, eat more vegetables, and run more miles. I should write more, read more, sleep more, dream more. I should get back to work…

But the trouble with Shoulds is you can’t trust them. Shoulds lie and cheat and steal your joy. They convince you that all YOU are is what you ARE NOT. They paralyze, mock, and taunt you with their empty promises.

I kind of think I should stop should-ing and start living. I want to respond to God’s love by loving others. If I could do anything, I would like to teach young women about God. I want to tell them and show them that no amount of makeup, hairspray, eyeliner, dieting, cutting or tanning will help. I want them to learn how to discern between lies and Truth, and then how to fight the lies. I want to teach girls about security and joy, being vulnerable and being guarded. (Some girls are in the depths of the pit and likely need professional counseling to help them. Bless the counselors who are able to reach them where they are and pull them to safety, but my heart longs to reach girls before that. I want to get to them before they really pick their friends, clothes, hobbies, and for goodness’ sake, before they pick their tattoos).

The problem isn’t the way they look. It’s the way they see.

They should know that. We should tell them.

I’ve been pretty stuck though. I sit in an office all day, discouraged and bored. I still remember my passion, but I have caught myself losing hope that it will ever be a reality. I was challenged by Donald Miller’s blog to ask myself some questions. They were starting to sound a little depressing:
What if I am stuck here for forty years? (Some of the Israelites were born and died in the desert, you know).


But before long, the “What if’s” starting sounding a bit more like this:

What if we could reach them before they were so far gone?

What if they really knew in their hearts and minds that God loves them?

What if I get to be part of it?

And now I’m wondering…what if my whole story changed?

What if I could look back and say, “That’s when it all changed. That was my own personal peripety”?

I know we can’t manufacture those moments. I know we don’t get to decide if/when they’ll take place, but we can put ourselves in situations that foster hope, and stimulate change. I know that right now I need some guidance and encouragement and inspiration. And where better to find that then with friends in a beautiful city in the rain? I’m entering this contest because I think it could help me get my head on straight, help me to return to my “first Love.”

Specifically, I want to develop a curriculum of sorts that would help small groups of girls in churches, after-school programs, camps, etc. maneuver the treacherous waters of the “Tween” and teen years. I would like to build an online community where girls can have resources such as teaching videos, FAQs (relationships, eating disorders, etc.), prayer request boards. There are so many flowery devotionals and butterfly-themed Bibles in the local Christian bookstores, but the average teenage girl is online, on her phone, and with her friends…not perusing the shelves at the bookstore. I know they are well-meaning, but when I was their age, I found it demeaning. I wanted some meat. I was tired of everyone expecting me to still crave the milk I once had.
I don’t want my story to change just because I want to live a better life, or have better stories to tell when I’m old. I want to live a better story because, despite my insecurity and fear that I’m going to die never having done anything with my life, I am choosing to believe that God has a purpose for me. His story is vast and timeless…and mine.

I want my story to change because I want their stories to change, because that’s redemption isn’t it? And that’s our calling isn’t it? The lofty ideals I had in college, the ones in which I have started to lose hope, those are reality. They are hope-full and joy-full and redemptive. And I don’t want to lose that. I want to impart the truth of the saving work of Jesus Christ and His redemptive work in our lives to others. I want to look back at this time in my life and remember how I was in a dead-end job, discouraged and bored, but THEN GOD…

For more info on the contest:
www.donmilleris.com/conference


Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.