Last night...
Relapse tonight. Last semester's doubts and fears flooded my mind again. I felt extremely insignificant. Irrelevant. There was a list of things I wanted to do/buy/eat...all of which I knew were attempts at a quick-fix. None of them quite worked out like I'd hoped. My vanilla latte wasn't quite up to par. I tried to buy Eternal Sunshine. Target discontinued it, whatever that means, and neither Wal-mart nor Barnes and Noble have it. So I rented it, but it wouldn't play because it looks like someone took a key to it. I was trying to avoid Counting Crows due to the inevitable downward spiral that follows the first run-through, and each subsequent playing, of Mrs. Potter's Lullaby and/or Long December. Then I heard Round Here coming from my suitemate's room. I tried. I really did.
There was a lot of staring at the blank page. There was guilt about the page still being blank. Then there was more fear. So I read some Anne Lamott, got inspired to write something, then I stared some more.
Maybe it all started with the six papers, countless quizzes, and two tests in the past two weeks. Or maybe it was the Learning Styles test we took in my "Christian Education with Adolescents" class. (I'm all over the board. I have no idea because I'm all of them at different times. I seriously can't even figure out tendencies on those things. Next time I'm told to take a test like that, or a personality test, or a "gifts" test, I'm not doing it. The crisis of identity aftermath just isn't worth it.) Work might have had an affect on it. The conversations that take place there...gosh. I am completely at a loss as to what to do, or say, or feel about it all. Then there was some more guilt about what I should do and say and feel about it all and about what I should not do and say and feel.
Whatever started it, there was a lot of self-loathing. I really want to believe that some of the things that people say about me are true. I sincerely believe that, in most cases, they think it's true, but that doesn't quite translate into me believing it. I guess that disconnect is a blessing. I guess it's just nice that they think that. I guess I'll stop the pity-party now. Thanks for coming.

I hate that I don't blog more. A.W. Tozer said that everybody is as holy as he wants to be. He may not be as holy as he wishes he were, but he is as holy as he wants to be. So basically, the effort I put forth is equal to the importance I put on it. Crap. And I think this goes for everything...not just holiness.
Crap again.
I wish my wishing would become wanting, and then the wanting would become writing. Anyone with helpful hints, (not including getting up at any time Brent would consider getting up), I'd appreciate it.
Week in-review:
The Not-So-Good:
Since last Monday I've had 6 papers due.
I have two tests on Friday.
Today was a horrible day at work.
Something's wrong with my ankle, (which I'm ignoring because of marathon training).
The Good:
I got a letter from Meredith, whom I love.
My intramural basketball team is in the championship.
I received approximately 900 pounds of chocolate in the mail.
I got A's on the papers that I've gotten back so far.
My parents visited. Not only did I get a Wal-Mart run and free meals, I got to spend amazing quality time with them. And the Davis family, whom I also love.
I ran six miles without dying. (And my roommate and I talked the whole time!)
The Grove...oh The Grove...was beautiful. This week there was more time for worship than normal. There was a short lesson about salt, light, being paradoxical, walking on our heads, and THEN...there was music. Beautiful music. Along the sides there were canvasses and paint. There were different tables with bread and "wine," there were pens and paper, and candles set in salt, which we were encouraged to taste. Excellent. (And when you leave you smell like smoke because it all takes place in a club.)
There's more. So much more. So many blessings...

Today is my mom's birthday. Let's celebrate by:
-writing a blog the way Brent does on people's birthdays. (This is your card, Mom.)
-making and baking the best food ever in the history of mankind.
-watching lame movies such as Anne of Green Gables and Gone with the Wind.
-Being pretty much the most hospitable person ever.
-Listening to country music loudly while making and baking the best food ever in the history of mankind.
-sending someone socks.
-laughing hysterically at puns.
-laughing hysterically at ourselves.
-not being a "church lady."
-inviting teens and twenty-somethings over to watch TV, to eat the best food ever in the history of mankind, and to offer them wise motherly advice and accountability.
-buying people things they won't actually use/wear just because you think it's funny.
-encouraging, teaching, being genuine, and exuding joy.
-being the Oh-Most-Wonderful-Mom-In-The-World. (No one else will actually be able to celebrate by doing that. My mom already filled that role.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM.
I love you.

Today is my youth-pastor/mentor/ex-boss/and dear friend Brent's birthday. Let's celebrate by:
-writing a blog in a similar format to the way he does on someone's birthday.
-asking people questions they don't want to answer.
-making magic sounds and then laughing until we cry.
-watching lame tv shows such as the Newlyweds, Dawson's Creek, or the Simpsons.
-observing everyone and everything around us.
-offering ridiculously wise insights and culture critiques.
-writing books in our heads but not actually writing books.
-listening to the music stylings of Lost and Found, Moby, and a whole bunch of rock groups that I'm too young to know or appreciate.
-wishing the weather were like that of Seattle.
-admitting that we don't understand the football culture of the South and never will.
-reading a book a day.
-attending plays, games, and concerts of random teenagers.
-not hating that kid with the laser pointer at the movies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRENT!
May you continue to rock many faces off.
We heart you.

Two down. Two to go.
I had/have four papers due this week.
The one due tomorrow is for Philosophy and is the most stressful.
Normally I don't let school stuff get to me too much. I maintain the "It's all gonna burn!" mind-set and manage relative levels of sanity. But, I'm not gonna lie, this time I'm pretty overwhelmed and panicky. Bird by bird...One inch picture frame...
I'm sad that I haven't been blogging more. I have thoughts.
My parents are coming for "family weekend." We're not going to any of the "family weekend" activities, but I get free food, and an all-expense-paid trip Wal-Mart.
I have been enjoying running.
JBU's website has a face-book. Helpful at times when you have to call about group projects and such, but for the most part I'm not a big fan. Apparently I ended up on some list in some guys' suite for potential "hook-up your roommate on a date". No thanks.
And now? paper. must...write...paper...

That's the Eiffel Tower in the background, and I want to see it again...tonight.
Anyone want to join me?

Which Napolean Dynamite character are you?

When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21